Watch my tables while I run to the restroom?
I am. I've been watching that model girl pretend she's eating for 30 minutes.
Oh, she's nice. She always tips on what she would have eaten.
Guess what, everyone. I have a secret.
You're a woman in a man's body?
- No. - You're a man in a woman's body?
You're a boy trapped in a little girl's body?
I am a man in a man's body.
We're not talking about your night life.
I have discovered something when going over the employee applications.
Okay, perhaps I never worked at the Waldorf Astoria...
...but I did work with this guy, Waldorf, in Astoria.
It's not you. Tomorrow is Caroline's birthday.
Why wouldn't I know that? She tells me everything about her life.
I know so much about her cycle, I'm feeling pressure to impregnate her.
I can do that for you.
It's weird. Why wouldn't she celebrate her birthday?
She celebrates everything.
Heads up, everybody, I just refilled the paper towels.
Who's a team player? What? What?
Max.
You know what we have to do.
Oh, man. I knew this day would come.
All right, what's the least amount I can do to keep my job?
Just tell me when it's over.
And when it starts.
It's time to talk about Caroline's birthday.
You have to throw her a party.
Ugh, I'd rather you just have your tiny way with me.
I don't like birthdays. I don't know when mine is.
My mom narrowed it down to a two-week window in June.
But you are Caroline's BFF.
And it is BFF's job to throw friend a party.
Han, I don't have enough money to throw a party.
I don't even have enough money to throw a baseball.
You have money, you be her BFF.
I already have a BFF, Jamarcus.
And my last birthday, he threw me a sick surprise party.
You must think BFF stands for Barely Freaking Friends.
There's no way you're down with someone named Jamarcus.
Oh, really? Then why did we exchange ATM pin numbers?
I'll just crop that, and we'll be good to go.
Max, Edwin's ready to show us the design for our new website.
Come see it.
Dude, you and the webmaster have been "talking business" every day for a week.
Something going on there?
Shouldn't the web be mastered by now?
It's strictly business.
All right, but it's costing us $200. Might as well get something out of it.
Maybe let him browse your Yahoo?
Looks like he might have a big old hard drive with a lot of RAM.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, he's cute, but I don't want a relationship right now.
- And I don't do one-night stands. - All right, so don't stand. Lay down.
That's not me. The next morning, doing the walk of shame.
I always see those girls, with their messed-up sex hair...
...carrying heels, clutching their coats to hide last night's outfit.
Going into Kinko's to use Google Maps so you can figure out where you are.
You really put the ho in Kinko.
[DOOR OPENS]
Oh, sorry, Sophie, we're closed.
Oh, no, I'll be quick. I just want a cupcake to go.
I'm on my way to 24 Hour Fitness.
Yeah, and I put it in the cupcake holder on the treadmill.
Ha, ha, uh, Max, um, my town car is parked out front...
...and I was wondering if you wanted me...
...to wait for you and Caroline to give you a ride to our building.
It's okay. We still have to clean up and take the garbage out.
Oh.
Oh! Looks like the garbage is taking itself out.
The game continues.
Here is my number.
I invite you to call me when you realize what a catch I am.
Or any time you are drunk and willing.
Max, I'm going to need a doggie bag as well.
No, not for the cupcake. To puke in.
So I'll get this finalized and I'll stop by the diner tomorrow.
You can sign off on the layout before we go live.
This is so exciting.
Oh, wait, Edwin, shoot. I forgot to show you the new pricing chart.
It's cool. I can draft it up right now and upload it.
Yeah, webmaster, you work pretty fast.
But I bet you can work slow too. Then really fast again, heh.
- I can be done in a minute. - Ooh, not what you want to hear.
Max, heh. It's fine. We can wait.
You know what? Stay here.
I have to go to the store and pick up stuff for your...
- My what? - Your cupcake business...
...that you're making me do with you.
Get home safe. Um, hey, where do you live, Edwin?
- Hell's Kitchen. - Oh, cool.
You're gonna take the C, transfer to the L.
And if you get lost, there's a Kinko's on Sixth and 14th.
That's embarrassing. Max is just trying to...
Yeah, I work on complicated web programs.
- I think I cracked that code. - Heh.
- She wants us to hook up. - Yeah, I'm sorry.
Why are you sorry? It's all I've been thinking about.
Yum-yum.
Oh, my God.
They are so hot.
Don't give me that look.
[DOOR CLOSES]
- Oleg. - Caroline.
- What are you doing here? - What are you doing here?
I live here.
And I'm just coming in from going to get coffee.
It was delicious. I drank every bit of it.
Outside. That's why I don't have a cup.
But you're wearing the same outfit from last night.
You're wearing the same outfit from last night.
And you have messed-up sex hair.
You have messed-up sex hair.
Webmaster?
Sophie?
She called me up and we made hand love.
But I thought Sophie hated you.
Well, she doesn't hate my hand.
But you cannot tell anyone. That was her one condition.
That and a copy of my recent blood tests signed by a medical professional.
Deal. And you can't tell anyone about me either.
Especially Max. I'd never hear the end of it.
- Deal. - Pinkie swear?
I don't know where your fingers have been.
I just told you where they've been.
Max.
I'm so excited for this party.
I wore my loose clothing so I can dance all night.
God, I can't take this party pressure.
I'm just gonna go in the back and run a can opener across my wrist.
Oh, Max, I'm sure you did a great job.
You know, as long as you have a DJ, some champagne and a psychic.
No, no, and no. I got some balloons, a hummus tray...
...and possibly Earl. He still hasn't confirmed.
Oh, you don't need psychic to know...
...that this is going to be a horrible, horrible party.
Well, thank God Caroline has new boy toy.
She might not mind as much.
MAX: What are you talking about?
Yeah, I saw them kissing in front of the diner last night.
Yeah, I sat there and watched for an hour.
Heh, they were really going at it hot and heavy.
You know, like the Showtime Network in the good old days.
Oh, great. Now I have to invite him to the party too?
I only got a six-pack of Capri Suns, so people are gonna have to share.
Congratulations. It's official. Our website is now live.
Congratulations. It's official, you're a whore.
I hear you got your Kinko's card punched.
- What, heh? - Don't "what" me.
I know you hooked up with the webmaster.
[BELL RINGS]
- Pick up. - Oleg, you told Max?
What's happening?
Our deal's off. Oleg had sex with Sophie last night.
[GASPS]
No. No, it wasn't sex. Just hand stuff.
Yeah and nothing above the waist. I'm a lady.
Yeah. I got all hot and bothered watching Caroline and big Han.
Okay.
[CHUCKLES]
You know, I really think this is between Caroline and me.
You mean between Caroline, you, and your strippers.
- Strippers? - I have seen this man in a strip club.
Han, you were in a strip club?
Earl took me.
Damn it, Han! You gonna sell me out...
...after I spotted you a hundred dollars in ones.
You went to Spreaders without me?
Why would you take Han to a strip club?
Yeah, is his lap even big enough for a dance?
Earl, I'm so disappointed in you.
That's it. I'm not going to your party.
- What party? - Damn it, Earl!
It's supposed to be a surprise for her birthday.
Who told you it was my birthday?
- Han. - Damn it, Han! I didn't want a party.
I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year.
Well, too bad, because your BFF is throwing you a big blowout.
Oh, Max. Now, I feel bad.
If you feel bad now, wait till you see the party.
Caroline's birthday.
Whoop-whoop!
Thanks, but you don't have to say that after everything.
[SIGHS]
Max, I know you had limited budget, but music is free.
Yeah, well, I'm a douche.
Speech!
I can't carry this party much longer.
- Okay, I'd like to say something. SOPHIE: What? Wait!
- Can't we wait till we cut the cake? - Cake?
People are still doing that?
Yes. Our livelihood depends on it.
There's only one party as bad as this one.
That's the Donner Party.
And even they had better food.
I'd like to say "Happy Birthday"...
...to a very pretty lady who I just had the pleasure of meeting.
And I think I'm gonna be seeing a lot more of her.
Aw, heh.
I'll go get us some more drinks.
CAROLINE: Okay.
Get rid of him.
- What? - It was a one-time thing.
Thought you weren't that kind of girl.
I realized it had almost been a year since I had sex.
I decided I'd rather not be that kind of girl.
- But I don't want a relationship. - Hey, I get it, hit it and quit it.
- Hit it, don't babysit it. - Max, please.
Fine. How am I gonna make him go away?
It's not gonna take a lot to convince someone to leave this party.
I'd like to ask everyone to raise their cocktail, but I can't.
So raise your Capris to the sun...
...for a very special lady, who I'm sure I will be seeing more of.
Get rid of him. It was a one-time thing.
So was that the worst party you've ever been to?
That was the worst party anyone's ever been to.
So with the webmaster, how was the sex?
Pretty good, heh.
But he did that thing where he pretended he was gonna choke me.
When did guys start doing that?
If I knew that was his thing, I would have asked him to choke me at the party.
How did you get rid of him? What'd you say? Let him down gently?
No. I told him to hit the pike.
It's a one-night stand. Guys get that.
So that's it? He wasn't upset?
Guys don't care.
One-night stands, they come, they go. Literally.
But what if he wants to see me again?
Relax. It is not gonna come back to haunt you.
Unless you start feeling an itch. Or a kick.
Well, thanks for dumping him, and for the...
I'm gonna go ahead and call it a party.
I knew you wouldn't want me to use any of the cupcake money, and I was broke.
So I guess I am your BFF, your "Broke Friend Forever."
Doesn't matter what you would have done.
The only thing I wanted for my birthday was to see my father.
And he's in prison, so that didn't happen.
I may not be a good BFF, I may not throw a great party...
...but I do know where to find a free bus to prison.
[CAROLINE CHUCKLES]
Hey, everybody, we got a birthday girl onboard!
Sit your ass back down.
See? Now we got a party.
[CHUCKLES]
This is nice, getting out of the city.
Reminds me of the ride to the Hamptons.
WOMAN: Yo.
This your first time on the bang bus?
We call it the bang bus because everybody here gonna get banged.
And in addition, because we on a bus.
- Mm, makes sense. - Hey, I'm Shonda.
I'm Max. This is Caroline.
Heh. So you're all going for, like, conjugal visits?
Pretty fancy term for getting Shawshanked on a three-legged cot.
Shawshanked. I like her.
I like your hair. Did you just get back from Cancun?
Oh! No, I saved up and I got these done for my man. He says they make me look...
...like Alicia Keys meets Ed Norton in American History X.
[MAX CHUCKLES]
- How sweet. - Oh, yo, what's your man in for?
My man's in for possession of a sweet, sweet ass.
Ugh.
He makes that joke every time.
He's not my man, actually. He's my dad.
Oh, oh! So you a freak. That's all right. I don't judge.
You see a name tag on me that says "Judy?"
- Oh, look. We just passed Carvel. - What's a Carvel?
Carvel Ice Cream. You know, Fudgie the Whale. Cookie Puss.
How could you not know? They have them everywhere.
Oh, wait, is that that white trash ice cream?
[GASPS]
How dare you? It is not white trash. And I wouldn't be so high and mighty.
You're on a free bang bus to a prison.
Sorry, I didn't realize you had a strong emotional connection to ice cream.
Not to the ice cream. The ice cream cake.
When I was 10, I asked my mom for a birthday party.
She said yes, but then flaked out and forgot to call anyone.
I'm starting to understand why you don't like birthday parties.
So after I waited on the porch for an hour, I stole 20 bucks from her purse...
...thumbed it out to Carvel, and bought myself a cake.
I ate the whole thing with a pink plastic spoon...
...and it was better than any party ever could have been.
I heard that. Ain't nothing better than Fudgie the Whale.
I love the chocolate crunchies, heh.
Bitch, everybody love the damn chocolate crunchies!
- Hey, Shonda, who you here to see? - Who's available?
I'm just cracking wise. You know I'm here to see Squirm.
- Search her. - Damn. Is it my turn again?
Next.
- We're not on that. We didn't call. - Leave it to me.
I've gotten into every club I've ever wanted to get into.
Hi. Caroline Channing, plus one.
- I don't see you on the list. - Really? That's weird.
We should be on the list. We're always on the list.
- Max, we're not on the list. - We're not?
I'm gonna kill my assistant.
Oh, I know.
It might be under DeAngelo Jefferson.
Come on, girls, don't waste my time.
I'd like to see a manager.
There's no manager. It's a prison.
Well, then, who runs this place?
Well, the Aryan Brotherhood's getting pretty strong.
This is such amateur hour. Give me 50 bucks for the door guy.
Are you seriously trying to bribe an officer of the law...
...while inside a prison?
- That's a federal offense. - Is it?
Probably.
I should have you thrown out for suggesting it.
- We do not accept bribes. - Okay, fine.
I'll let you take your sweet time searching me on the way in.
These two are clear to go through.
- Max, you can't do that for me. - It's really for me. It's been a while.
Whoop-whoop!
I'm so excited to see my father after all this time.
- How do I look? - You look good. How do I look?
Do I still have that freshly felt-up glow?
[CAROLINE CHUCKLES]
Well, that ginger over there thinks you look good. He's full-on staring at you.
Well, I should hope so.
If you can't get a dude in prison to check you out, it's time for a makeover.
No, he's looking and nodding, like he knows you.
- Never seen him before in my life. - Max? Max Black.
- It's me, Irish. - I don't know, dude.
- I think you got the wrong girl. - Max, I could never forget that face.
Trust me, you've never seen me before.
- Oh, damn. - Oh, my God.
That's you.
- So you do remember? - Of course.
Get rid of him. It was a one-night stand.
- See, they do come back to haunt you. - Shirt on.
Max, can you believe it?
Of all the prisons in all the world, you walked into mine.
It's kismet.
I get rid of yours, you get rid of mine.
Listen, Irish. It was a one-time thing.
You're a guy. You get that.
How could you say it's a one-time thing? I love you.
I blew up that Chipotle for you.
Listen, I appreciate the ink, but I don't really believe in love...
...and truth be told, I'm not even a fan of Mexican food.
Caroline Channing? This table.
- Max, we have to go. My dad's coming. - Okay. Heh, nice to see you, Irish.
- Your body looks sick. - Max, hold up.
- I'm not gonna tell you again to back up. - I'm not gonna lose you.
- I said back up. - Don't tell me to back up.
That's the love of my life.
- Come on, dude, hit the pike. - Calm down.
Don't tell me to calm down!
[ALARM WAILING]
Visiting hours are over. Everybody out.
- No, no, no, wait. I can't leave. - Damn.
No, wait, There's my father. I can see him.
He's just coming in now. Daddy, Daddy, hi.
Well, thank you very much, ladies.
My man was barely in when I got pulled out.
I would like to apologize to everyone...
...for taking the bang out of the bus.
But in my own defense...
...everyone here knows a little something about crazy guys.
Sit your ass back down.
Max, sit down before you start another riot.
I'm sorry. I blew it.
I screwed up your chance to see your father, I screwed up your party.
I even screwed up the easiest birthday thing to do, like get a cake.
- I'm a terrible BFF. - It's okay. Really, it's fine.
It's not like you could have made everything better...
...just by getting me a cake.
Well, no. Not just any cake.
- Just as good as I remember it. - Best 40 bucks we ever spent.
This birthday turned out to be all right.
I did get what I wanted. I got to see my father.
It was only for a second, but I saw him. And he saw me.
So thank you.
Yeah, and I got to see Irish.
I think he might be the one that got away.
Well, the one that got put away.
You know, you and I are better than BFFs.
We're BBFs, Bang Bus Friends, heh.
[English - US - SDH]